May 19, 2004
I'm going to go out with a bang.
That is, after I hit as many deer around here as possible with my car.
It's always been a sick fantasy of mine to buy an old car, preferably one made out of steel, as opposed to the plastic that's used nowadays, and just drive around exacting my revenge on the fauna that has caused my car so much physical and emotional pain. (Hey, cars have feelings too).
The latest toll: almost $800 for a new bumper and grill after a deer darted out in front of my Honda. She was lucky and got away. I hit a fire hydrant trying to avoid her, all in my half-mile commute to work. These critters are everywhere.
So I'm proposing a new season for deer hunting. In addition to archery and firearms seasons, the county should start a new one: car season.
Think about it: Everyone benefits, except maybe the deer. Angry motorists will be able to take out their road rage on the furry creatures, food banks can feed the hungry with venison and the county will have a new way to control the deer population.
Body shops could offer discounted repair prices based on the number of deer a motorist hits. Auto shops will have a whole new line of products to sell — in addition to rims or superchargers, they could market a new line of deer-hunting car products, such as a spike-lined grill guard, or antler-proof hoods. Cowcatcher sales will increase tenfold. Antlers on the hood will become mobile hunting trophies. Saturn may actually turn a profit, since for years it has been touting its cars' dent-resistant panels. All would be right with the world.
Residents wouldn't have to worry about accidentally getting shot by careless hunters with bows or guns. It might be a good idea, though, to stop car-based deer hunters from driving onto people's lawns. Sidewalks would be OK, as long as there's no one around.
A special class of license would be issued for automotive deer-hunters; can't have just any nut behind the wheel of a deer-death-dealing machine. It takes a special breed of nut.
If the introductory season goes well, it could expand into a spectator sport — lock a few deer in the arena with some demolition derby cars and let the good times roll. It could become a Southern Tier tradition, right next to spiedies. They could even sell fresh venison spiedies at the events.
While car season probably won't start any time soon, I'm going to go vigilante. The next time I see a deer out on Murray Hill and it comes down to hitting the hydrant or the deer, I'm taking my chances with the deer.
I have about $800 worth of venison to collect.
Ahmad is a former copy editor at the Press & Sun-Bulletin. He advises readers not to wear deer costumes this Halloween. E-mail him at wahmad@binghamton.edu.
© 2004 Press & Sun-Bulletin, Binghamton, N.Y.